Jack Skellington

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius
(Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes
repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking
jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think
most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and
full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in
contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You
have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the
FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent
you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are still a
general bad ass.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical
and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell.
Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but
a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick
and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You
are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a
cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and
understanding
to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always
putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t
be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 -
Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an
idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug
23 - Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your
shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You
are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos
make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You
are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality.
If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of
venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of
the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius
(Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The
majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn
(Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself.

Urinalysis

Urinalysis

One
day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen,
you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a
diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot
cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a
small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and
the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the
sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That
evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries
back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Infection

Dishes and Vaseline

Jack
is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains
Jack has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Jack’s
girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one
evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She
is waiting outside for him when he arrives. No matter what happens at
dinner tonight, don’t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago
about doing the dinner dishes. We haven’t done any since… and the
first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Jack sits down
for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It
is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the
kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Jack decides to have a little fun.
He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her
in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when
Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table,
nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Jack grabs his
girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat
performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and
her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete
silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder
and it starts to rain. Jack remembers his motorcycle outside and so he
jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in
his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and
exclaims, Okay, enough already, I’ll do the damn dishes!"

Orphanage or Being Orphaned

Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realizedit yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que
(bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, dicedthe onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything
up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth
(child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets
to hold your hand and say "focus,…breath…push…"

Lipstick
(lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar,coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park
(park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and
neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and
slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof
Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or
swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s
Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight
dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

PERFECT DIVORCE LETTER

PERFECT DIVORCE LETTER !
Dear Wife:

I’m
writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last
week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair
cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me
anymore, you don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating
on me or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

The Reply

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing
has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and
I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out
your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I
did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because
I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you
had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I
prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning .. . And your silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I
got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I
hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So
take care.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

I know I shouldn’t